How to Screw Up Your Diet: 10. Go For The Glo

Focus on foods that gets your attention. If it doesn’t grab your eye RIGHT off the bat, it’s really not trying hard enough.

So find foods that look like they come from outer space.

Think day-glo pink, and neon orange. Those nuclear-yellow marshmallow “peeps” are an ideal screw-up-your-diet food.

What’s the reasoning? The people on this planet are too fat. Have you ever seen a Martian who was overweight? No.

Bottom line: If you eat food that looks like it was shipped here from Mars, you will be thin like them … albeit a tad orange with a bulbous head.

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 9. Practice Gastro-Physics

There is a scientific secret to your diet.

Don’t tell any one!!

If you eat a candy bar, you can always annihilate it with diet products. Shhhh. Diet sodas and Snickers, as you know, are dietary matter and anti-matter.

Thus, they cancel each other out.

So if you have something naughty, just chase it with a Diet Coke and some fat-free cheese “food” product.

Be prepared for the cosmic blip-out in your gastric netherworld, but hey at least you took care of those Ho Ho’s, Jolly Ranchers, and Ding Dongs.

Let’s just keep this dietary nugget between us!!

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 8. Bite The Big One

Take Monster bites. Think Huge. Think Anaconda.

All together now!!

If you feel that you may have to unhinge your jaws, you’re doing it right. How much can you fit in there anyway?

Squirrel-packing your cheek pockets puts more food in that handy cheek-storage, which will allow you to have it in case you need it for a quick burst of energy.

Quick bursts of energy burn calories, which not only ensure that you lose more weight, but that you lose it in time to fit into your fantasy bathing suit by June.

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 7. Size Does Matter

Pursue platter portions.

Serve meals on the largest plate you own. Turn over a garbage can lid if you have to, and make sure to completely fill the space with whatever you can ladle onto it.

And if you you eat tons and tons of DIET food, all the better.

Remember this equation: more diet food = more diet = more weight loss.

Do the math.

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 6. Lose Your Mind

Lose your mind.

Eat at your desk, alone, doing your job as you mindlessly eat and eat.

Eat while watching TV at night, so you can be distracted by the latest episode of “The Biggest Loser.”

The most important thing here is to never become aware of your food, or you will recognize just how much you have eaten.

If you don’t see it … it’s probably not there!

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 5. Eat on the GO

Eat on the go.

You can eat it in your car
You can eat it on your feet
You can eat where ever you are
And you’ll never be replete

Listen, just keep moving so you burn the calories as you shovel them in.

Eating in a rush and huff is fantastic because it never allows your body to slow down enough to digest your food – no digestion, no calories!

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 4. Eat All The Time

Eat all the time. Really.

Graze. Think bovine thoughts. Moo once in a while if you have to.

Once you start chomping, you’ll get a little mouth momentum working, and you can just go with it. Start with five to six small meals, and work up from there.

Again, work the logic: if you just keep eating, you’ll basically eat all day. Therefore, at that point, you’rereally only having one meal per day.

Keeping snack foods in your desk – not to mention your vehicle – will really help in this worthy dietary effort.

How to Screw Up Your Diet: 3. Find The Food Condoms

Find the food condoms

Plastic-wrapped food is what you’re seeking. Remember that plastic is all modern, and new. YOU want to modern and new, so let’s get with the program!!

If it’s found in a pre-packaged form, eat it.

If you have no idea how long it has been on a shelf, eat it.

If all of the items in the case look exactly the same, like they are all stamped out of the same food widget mold – go for it.

One more bonus of the Food Condom … those foods will never go bad. Bacteria won’t even eat them!!